Let He Who Is Without Sin Throw the First Scone

Greetings, my sleepy followers.

Rather than start each new post apologizing for not posting more, I’m going to just forge ahead and be thankful that I’m posting at all.  What with the holiday season n’all, between my going on a silent Jewish retreat (YES YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT) and the good folks at Sleep No More pursuing other options for their weekly cake binge, I haven’t had many reasons to bake.   I did create some fantabulous gift bags for the holidays, which included homemade hot chocolate mix,   compost cookies, and homemade bath salts.  But as the US Postal Service is a steaming pile of doody, they didn’t arrive in time for Christmas.  Soooooooo, buttons.

Their names are Sherlock and Mycroft. Because they're awesome.

Your Insomnibaker has been awful busy though.  Interviewing like a high-speed, pneumatic interviewing machine, and adopting kittens.  Yes indeed, adopting kittens! I first met my new cuddly friends while perusing Petfinder.com, when I came across a litter of squirmy little guys on the website for Barbara the Cat Lady.  Initially, these cats caught my eye because they were born on the same day that The Ex died.  I thought that adopting them would be poetic in a “great circle of life so mysterious” sort of way.  And it is.  But I’ll tell ya folks, after seeing these little guys scamper around the floor of my apartment, trill their little kitten trills, and clamber onto my sofa to be petted by yours truly, I love these kittens truly by virtue of their own cuddly awesomeness.

Anyhow.  Tomorrow is the birthday party for my darling niece Aeryn, who will be all of one year old.  I couldn’t very well pass up an opportunity to bake, though I did decide to put off the process until 11pm.  Which is how I roll.

So therefore, let us roll. SOME SCONES, THAT IS.

  1. I wanted to make something vegan for my brother’s girlfriend, but was largely having a hard time finding a promising recipe.  I was hoping to use up some of my coconut oil, but most of what I could find relied pretty heavily on the inclusion of vegetables like zucchini or carrots to keep them moist.  After a great deal of searching, I came across this recipe and decided to fuck with it as necessary.
  2. I preheated the oven to 375 degrees.
  3. I had some brown sugar in my pantry that was hard as a rock.  I put it in the microwave with a few drops of water for about 30 seconds, which usually does the trick, but in this case it just liquified.
  4. Spicy and sweet, just like yours truly.

    I cursed the heavens.

  5. In a large bowl, I mixed together 1 and 1/4 cups flour, 1 cup old fashioned oats, 1 teaspoon baking powder, 1/2 teaspoon baking soda, a few tablespoons of white sugar, a dash of allspice, some hefty shakes of cinnamon, and many grinds of the sea salt shaker.
  6. On a whim, I tossed in a handful of crystalized ginger I received as a gift from Penzey’s Spices.  
  7. Best thing about having a baking blog?  People get you cool baking-related gifts.
  8. At this point, I noticed that I wasn’t supposed to have mixed in the oats yet.
  9. I cursed the heavens.
  10. Using my cheese grater, I cut in 8 tablespoons of a stick of Crisco I had been keeping in the freezer.  This is the best trick EVER.
  11. I got Crisco all over my hands.
  12. I cursed the heavens.
  13. Using my shortening-covered paws, I pinched together the mixture until it was crumbly and lovely.
  14. All ready for a'baking

    Making a well, I added in about 1/3 of a cup of almond milk, and the few tablespoons of the brown sugar I accidentally liquified earlier.

  15. The dough was unreasonably sticky, so I added a little bit of flour to the mix.  I turned the dough out onto a floured surface and patted it into a circle, and cut it into 8ths.
  16. I popped the pan into the fridge.
  17. For the non-vegans in the room, I set about making some Cream Scones by the illustrious Smitten Kitchen.
  18. I won’t waste too much of your time with this recipe. Read it yourself.  Mix the dry ingredients, mix in the wet ingredients, pat together the dough and cut into wedges, bake.
  19. While the scones were baking, I put on the latest episode of Grimm.  I swear to the heavens, this has got to be the worst show that has ever existed in the history of television.  But it features a very game cast saying some of the worst dialogue ever, which makes it appealing to me for some reason.  It’s like you can almost picture the writers all getting together to brainstorm ideas.  Such as, “Ummmmmmmmm . . . I dunno . . . . like . . . . ogres?” “Whatever.  Is it time for lunch yet?”.
  20. After 19 minutes, these babies were done.


VERDICT:  I’m not going to lie, those vegan suckers were delicious!  The oats make them hearty and fulfilling, and the ginger adds a nice twist.  Not half bad.  Unfortunately for the vegan scones, however, they were sitting right next to some perfectly nice scones made with butter and heavy cream.  No contest.

So to sum up, vegan scones are pretty great, buttery cream scones are pretty amazing, and Grimm and the US Postal Service both suck at everything forever.   Goodnight, sleepy folks.

About sleeplessbaker

Your average world traveling, ukulele playing, bawdy songwriting, Muppet loving, curve-rocking, formerly drunk-ass actor-singer-model-producer-blogger on a quest to get a handle on life-skills she should have learned in elementary school.
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